the "august assault" begins: 2009 steve nfl coaching rankings

Welcome to August! Too bad it feels like early October here in KC. Today we didn’t even hit 80. Tomorrow, only 85, although with the sun out, it'll feel damned good in the pool. But 85? In August? Dear God, what is January going to be like, -15 and snow every day? Oy.

Anyways, let me explain what I envision over the next month on this site for a moment, and then I’ll get to the subject of the post.

I am a football fan. By definition, a fan is a fanatic. Its just a shorter way of saying that word, fanatic. Last year, I was not able to get as into preseason and the buildup to the season as I would have liked, because I’m also a political fan, and you had both conventions as the lead-in to the season. And I cared more about the future of the nation, than who was the Chiefs 5th wide receiver.

Toss in the fact that the odds of me being employed when the playoffs begin are shaky at best, coupled with my single status, and well … I’m all in.

My goal in August is to get every regular reader of this site as ready for the upcoming college and pro football seasons as I am. Which means I’m about to blitz you with regular posts, with regular site updates. I’d rather invest my time into prepping for this season, than training some replacement on how to do my job.

My next post after this one will officially be the 200th on this site. However, by my count, 10 of the 198 to date were recycled from the old site, 2 were recycled emails, and while I couldn’t find it on a quick scan, I know the greatest Steve email / post of all time, “The Week 4 Plea” (sk update: found it! seriously, read this thing and tell me you aren't ready to head to Arrowhead right effing now ...), is on here somewhere. And if its not by some incredible brain fart, it will be shortly. So I figure this is post 186. 14 more to go on the march to 200 original posts.

And having said that …

What I would LOVE for original post 200 to be, is a roundtable podcast discussion of the upcoming football season(s). College and pro. I figure to pull this off, we’d need to get together at someone’s house and record it, to ensure everyone’s voice is heard. I’d obviously want to “moderate”, but I’d want loyal readers Gregg, Brent, and Dusty at a bare minimum to join in. Especially considering 3 of us have Chiefs season tickets (and the 4th figures to show up for a few, at least), and 3 of us have KU season tickets (and the 4th is a huge, hu-yuge Tigers fan, so we can get the alternate perspective on the rivalry).

If y'all are up for this, I want to make it happen, and am willing to “host”. (If for no other reason than I am "smoker friendly"). If any other regular readers want in, like Heath for example, let me know. I’d love to get a female football fan’s perspective as well (cough, Kellie, cough … especially since you also represent the “alternative perspective” on one of the Chiefs two biggest rivals (and hate our other rival as much as we do), and can give us some thoughts from KU and MU’s biggest threat to win the North, the Huskers). Hell, if I could figure out how this Skype thingy on my computer works, we could get Will or Vineet dialed in for some NFC East thoughts.

Point is, we can do this, and do it epic. I just need the help from my readers. Even if said reader just prints this off as a backup in case the toilet paper dispenser is empty and nobody is there to (elaine benes voice) “spare a square”. Let’s make this happen.

I am looking forward to this season like none since … uuh … its been a long time. And I don’t just mean for the Chiefs. KU Football has a legitimate shot at reaching its second BCS bowl in three years. Every KU game should be broadcast on TV this year for the first time ever. This program has reached heights I never imagined possible. MU is reloading, not rebuilding. Let that sink in Tigers fan. Brad Smith, to Chase Daniel, to this Gabbert kid. You’re not rebuilding. You’re reloading. You’re a legitimate top 25 program entering every season now. As are we in Lawrence. If you'd said that five years ago about either school? Well, you'd be in Two Rivers or Charter within the hour. (matchbox 20 voice) let's see how far we've come!

And I also truly believe, like two years ago, KU / MU at Arrowhead will be for the Big XII North, and a shot at the Big XII Championship for a North team for the first time since 2003. Because the only way its not, is if Bo Pelini has resurrected Husker Nation, and sweeps KU and MU on the road, which will more than earn the Big Red the right to play for the Big XII.

All that ... and sorry, but goddammit, I need an escape from life. This has been a brutal last eight, nine months. Absolutely brutal, in every sense of the word. I need something GOOD to happen. So I turn to the gridiron for hope. (Its that or the bottle, because religion ain't an option to me. Until the Church apologizes for their role in shielding child molestors, you won't see me stepping foot in there voluntarily). Anyways, I need (schindler's list voice) an absolute good. I'm hopeful one of my teams is going to deliver it.

So to recap the intro: huge month of August in store. Lots of posts is the plan. Lots of predictions, analysis, “Inside the Numbers” Steve-style breakdowns. And hopefully one mother-of-all-podcasts to set the tempo for what could be the best season of the decade across the board for a whole lot of us.

(And another "fake mailbag" or three that at least four of you have already given me suggested "emails" to post into ...)

And to lead off the "August Assault": the 2009 Steve NFL Coaches Rankings!

Loyal readers and friends know that this is the 10th edition of these. Yikes. Sadly, only one previous version remains in print version that I have access to, and you can read last year’s thoughts here. Suffice to say, I overrated some guys, and underrated others. It happens.

What I found most amazing though, is that 5 of my 10 “worst” coaches are now unemployed … but so are 5 of my 10 “best”. And arguably that should have been 6 of 11 on each, as Wade Phillips somehow is back for year three in Dallas, and Eric Mangini found a lifeboat in Cleveland after the Jets (correctly) rectified their mistake in hiring him in the first place.

With that being said, let’s get to it.

As always, 3 advance notices:

1. 32 is Rich Kotite bad. 1 is Chuck Noll good.
2. The rankings are in order of who I'd want coaching the Chiefs. For example, Coach Haley ranks 23rd. Which means there are 22 coaches I would take over Coach Haley right now. And 9 I’d take Coach Haley over. Because …
3. First year head coaches will struggle in these rankings. Regardless of my thoughts on their coaching ability, they have yet to prove that my confidence in them translates into on-field success. For example, last year Mike Smith was ranked 22. As I said then, “I like this hire. I expect a significant rise in the rankings next year for this guy”. And he’ll get it. (Emphasis on significant). Like I said, until you prove yourself on the sidelines, I won’t rank you above the most mediocre proven commodity available.

Here we go!

32. Brad Childress, Vikings. Last Year: 31. The lowest remaining coach from last year. I don’t care that he won the NFC North. He’s a horrid, horrid head coach. If Wikipedia ever wants to define “clueless buffoon”, a pic of Brad Childress will be included in the entry. This guy is will be replacing Rich Kotite in my "as always note number one" by this time next year.

31. Eric Mangini, Browns. Last Year: 24 (as Jets coach). I wouldn’t trust this dog to walk the dog. The sole highlight of this guy’s career was being an extra in a "Sopranos" episode during the final season. Cleveland fan, as a Jets fan, trust me: this is a HORRIBLE hire. HORRIBLE. You’ll need another coach by yesterday, but won't get one until 2011.

30. Jim Zorn, Redskins. Last Year: 27. I expected nothing from Zorn last year, and he delivered on those expectations. He won’t see 2010 as a head coach. And probably shouldn’t have seen 2009, for what its worth.

29. Raheem Morris, Bucs. Last Year: NR. Our first rookie in the rankings. This is going to be an utter catastrophe. So he's not the "Worst of What's Around". Nice. Tampa, a few words of advise: you don’t fire a Super Bowl winning GM, and Super Bowl winning head coach, who’ve won 3 of the last 6 division titles, without even better replacements in the wings. You don’t replace success with speculation. Speculation makes you look stupid. Which is what Tampa is going to be for the next 3 years under this coach.

28. Mike Singletary, 49ers. Last Year: NR. Not a fan. Anyone who drops their pants in the locker room in front of his players to point out he’s got what they don’t, well … either he needs a membership to a certain “friendly” adult website where he can broadcast his “thoughts” on his endowment to the horny masses via a webcam, or he’s not all there. Since Mike is a devout Christian, I’m going with not all there. Although I hold out hope for the former. If its good enough for Christy Brinkley's ex ... seriously, bad hire, 49ers. Bad hire.

27. josh mcdaniels, broncos. Last Year: NR. Without question, the WORST hire of the offseason so far. I seriously considered putting him like number 9 and verbally fellating him, in the hopes that the “classless jackass” patrick j. bowlen, a man who once credibly claimed his team could “not compete in the modern NFL” without a new stadium, despite being the two time defending Super Bowl champion at the time, in the hopes that idiot would think “hey, I did good here”. You didn’t pat. Thank God. See Number 29 for why this is a wretched hire. (Although I think denver fleeced Chicago on the cutler deal. denver won’t be as bad as everyone thinks this year).

26. Norv Turner, Chargers. Last Year: 19. Norv’s guys were a failure to recover an onside kick away from being 4-9. And yet everyone thinks this team is going to “run away” with the AFC West? How? They’re a year older, they’re not any better, and they’re still piss poorly coached. 9-7 wins this division. I’m not sure Norv can get there.

25. Jim Caldwell, Colts. Last Year: NR. Another horrid first year hire. I get that he was the coach in waiting. But based on what? A .350 winning percentage at Wake? And spare me the “you can’t win at Wake” crap. Ask Jim Grobe if that’s possible. Caldwell was a mistake. This should have been Tom Moore’s job. Or better yet, mike shanahan’s. Tell me a shanahan coached Colts team isn’t your AFC favorite. Nice job Indy. I’m telling you, every playoff contender in the AFC took three steps back, which is good for the Chiefs. Well, save for two teams, they at least stood pat, or got better. Not coincidentally, you won’t be seeing the Patriots or Steelers coaches anytime soon …

24. Tom Cable, raiders. Last Year: NR. I actually think Cable’s a decent coach. He’s just in an unwinnable situation until the Godmother, the Master of the White Pants Suit himself, al davis, keels over dead. No hope here until al is 6 feet under and turns the reigns over to someone else.

23. Todd Haley, Chiefs. Last Year: NR. I liked the hire. I’m fine with it. But three caveats: (1) new coaches always get undervalued by me. (2) there’s at least three “new” coach hires I liked better, two of which we could have had, and (3) if every AFC West coach is in the bottom 10, tell me we can’t steal this division at 9-7 or 8-8 …

22. Jim Schwantz, Lions. Last Year: NR. Great hire. Tremendous hire. Love this hire. Has a tough, tough task in front of him, but if the Lions are patient, and understand it will take at least 4 years to see results, Schwantz will deliver. Helluva coach. Great hire.

21. Lovie Smith, Bears. Last Year: 18. Not a fan. Had a couple good years in 2005-2006 with his predecessor’s leftovers, and hasn’t done jack sh*t since. Probably another 7-9, 8-8 disappointing season ahead.

20. Marvin Lewis, Bengals. Last Year: 28. His rise is not so much a reflection of his coaching abilities, but rather a reflection of how piss poor last year’s bottom 10 were. When they’re all gone, and there’s nothing but newbies around, you gotta give the grizzled veteran a little credit.

19. Steve Spagnola, Rams. Last Year: NR. Another tremendous hire. Rams will beat at least two teams they have no business beating this year because of this guy. And win a ton of NFC West titles in the next five to six years for the same reason.

18. Rex Ryan, Jets. Last Year: NR. Yes, I am a Jets fan. So I am biased. However, as much as I love this pick, its based more on what I think he will do long term than short term. I don’t expect anything out of Gang Green this year. I think they will finish last in the AFC East. But it’ll be a short downturn. Purge the crap left from Mangini, put Rex’s guys in place, and look out come 2011. Another coach who, like Spagnola, is too good to not spring an upset or two this year, and win games he has no business winning. Love this hire.

17. Jack Del Rio, Jaguars. Last Year: 8. Huge fall for “Of the River”, probably most famous for either (a) physically assaulting Chiefs legend Otis Taylor during the 1987 strike because he thought Otis was a scab, or (b) leading the lynch mob that overturned a scab’s pickup during same strike (a scene famously re-created in “The Replacements”). Jack might need that pickup, and a U-Haul, by the time the bye week rolls around. Should be his last disappointing season in J’Ville.

16. Tom Coughlin, Giants. Last Year: 16. A perfectly middle of the road coach who will consistently get you to 10, 11 wins, and consistently lose in the playoffs. The only difference between Coughlin and Marty Schottenheimer, is David Tyree made the catch, and Earnest Byner fumbled the football.

15. John Fox, Panthers. Last Year: 17. Another Coughlin / Schottenheimer type coach. Great regular season guys, great at turning a franchise around, but probably won’t get you to the top of the mountain more than once, and even then, only get there if every break known to man goes their way.

14. Dick Jauron, Bills. Last Year: 15. Look it, I love Jauron. I absolutely LOVE Dick Jauron. But pretty much everyone in this range is the same. I hope he does enough to save his job though.

13. Ken Whizenhunt, Cardinals. Last Year: 21. I feel somewhat bad for the guy. A year after the Cards accomplish something noone ever thought would happen, both of his coordinators are in Kansas City, his starting RB is still unsigned, and his QB flirts with going to the 49ers. Cards will take a step back this year, but they’re headed in the right direction.

12. Wade “Son of Bum” Phillips, Cowboys. Last Year: 11. The image of Wade I will never forget, is the reaction to the ending of the greatest Monday Night game ever played. Right after Montana hit Willie Davis to give the Chiefs the win in Real Mile High. The look was about the same as I had when elway engineered the incredible “10 men on the field, but still a legal formation” run for a TD 1:24 earlier. “I hate losing this, but goddammit, if we’re gonna lose, what a helluva way to go!” Both anger and excitement. I’ve felt that a few times as a Chiefs fan. (See Y2K Bowl). So I like the guy. He won’t be back in 2010, but hopefully he goes out on his own terms.

11. Gary Kubiak, Texans. Last Year: 13. I keep waiting for this guy to deliver his breakout season. I think this is going to be it.

10. Mike McCarthy, Packers. Last Year: 12. Anyone above McCarthy, I’d be ecstatic if they were on the Chiefs sideline. I mean, ecstatic. McCarthy is perfectly good. But the remaining 9, holy crap. Tremendous talent left. Including, and I know others will disagree, but including number 9:

9. Jim Mora Jr, Seahawks. Last Year: NR. The man went to a NFC Title game his first year. He had two more straight .500 plus seasons in Atlanta before getting fired. And then the floor fell out in the ATL, as his overrated QB went to prison, the Falcons are on their third coach since, and now finally, Mora gets his shot at redemption. And he’ll deliver with a NFC West championship and a wildcard round win. Good days ahead for the Seahawks under his capable leadership.

8. Tony Sparano, Dolphins. Last Year: 25. I’d rank him even higher if I could, but (a) the remaining seven are rock solid, and (b) I just don’t think Miami can duplicate last year. 2010 though, with Chad Henne under center and a much easier schedule, look out. A coach, and a team, on the rise.

7. Sean Payton, Saints. Last Year: 14. Has any coach ever taken over a more hopeless situation? Payton arrived with the Saints unable to use their practice facility, or their stadium, due to Hurricane Katrina. And promptly went 10-6 and reached the NFC Title Game. Two disappointing .500 seasons later, he’s still a winner in my book. I fully expect the Saints to be back in the postseason. They have a battle for the division title though, with:

6. Mike Smith, Falcons. Last Year: 22. Tremendous first year, a wild card berth and almost win in Arizona. I expect another rock solid season from Smith’s team.

5. John Harbaugh, Ravens. Last Year: 23. I know a lot of people expect the Ravens to take a step back. I don’t. I fully expect them to battle every step of the way with the Steelers for the NFC North, and to at worst be a wildcard team.

4. “Fat” Andy Reid, Eagles. Last Year: 3. Another year, another playoff berth, another NFC Title Game loss for the Eagles. That’s 5 NFC Title game appearances in 8 years. That’s unbelievable. If Reid isn’t the most underrated coach of our lifetime, I don’t know who is. Yes, he’s an awful in-game strategist, and has no clue how to challenge or use timeouts. But all the guy does is win. He can coach my team any day.

3. Mike Tomlin, Steelers. Last Year: 10. I really wanted to put him number one, except number one has more than earned the spot. And I really wanted to put him number two, except Tomlin’s only been on the job two years. And before you say “well, he won two division titles and a Super Bowl in his first two years!”, so did Barry Switzer. Let’s see what Tomlin does with Tomlin’s talent, not Cowher’s. But so far, color me impressed.

2. Jeff Fisher, Titans. Last Year: 5. The only reason he’s not number one, is the lack of a title.

1. Bill Belichick. Last Year: 2. The coach of the team of the decade. And went 10-5 without the best QB in the league. That’s good enough to retake number one in my rankings.