old: 2006 chiefs rams picks and recap

sk: the wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and ... (crashing sound ...) oh my god! someone think of the children! This is the "recap" that put me on the map, so to speak. I might have to post the multiple (aka 34 that I counted) responses to my thoughts on the Criqui / Buerelein broadcast in a separate post, just to save those for eternity. Wow. This is me at my, uuh, finest? As always, enjoy.

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From: stevo.
To: multiple recipients.
Subject: my week nine predictions.
Originally Sent: 11/02/06 1:44pm.

For anyone who missed the stat of the week:

The Chiefs went 4-1 in October.
Their last 3 victories, the offense scored on its final possession to give the Chiefs the lead. Even better, though ...
Their last 3 victories, the defense shut out the opposition on its final possession to either seal the win, or maintain the tie.

Chiefs fans, our defense is back! (steve fist pump) woo! woo! yay! woo! (another fist pump) woo!

So, does anyone actually miss ... what was his name? ... I can't seem to think ... hang on, it'll come to me ... man, this is like one of those repressive memory deals, where you try to block out the evil in life ... what the hell was his na ... oh yeah! I got it, Dick Vermeil! Anybody actually miss that guy? :)

Bring on the Rams! (And as a public service, please ... if you're going across the state to watch Sunday's game in person, please ... proceed wtih caution. The Rams do employ a convicted felon on their roster who has killed with his vehicle before, so you might want to avoid the players parking entrance, unless you want to get run over by a drunk Rams defensive lineman or something ...)

Last Week SU: 8-6-0
Season to Date SU: 71-43-0

Last Week ATS: 7-7-0
Season to Date ATS: 56-56-2

Last Week Upset / Week: Winner! as the Cowboys scored 35 unanswered to blow out the Panthers.
Season to Date U / W: an incredible 6-2-0.
This Week's Upset / Week: and no, I have not been drinking, yet anyways ... Raiders (+7) over Seahawks.

As always, all lines from today's USA Today.

The Non-Chiefs Picks:

Falcons 34 (-5 1/2), at Lions 20.
at Ravens 16 (+3), Bengals 10.
at Redskins 27 (+1), Cowboys 20.
Packers 31 (+3), at Bills 13.
at Giants 49 (-13), Texans 3.
at Bears 70 (-13 1/2), Dolphins 10.
Saints 31 (-1), at Bucs 20.
at Jaguars 20, Titans 16 (+9).
at 49ers 27 (+5), Vikings 21.
at Chargers 28, Browns 27 (+12 1/2).
at Steelers 16 (-2 1/2), broncos 3.
at Patriots 26, Colts 24 (+2 1/2)
Raiders 13 (+7), Seahawks 10.

Special Note:

Sunday, one of my favorite drivers will take the green flag for the final time. (steve tearing up) So, to two time (1984, 1996) NASCAR champion, and incredibly classy, fine, and amazing human being, Terry Labonte ... enjoy the good life buddy. You've earned it. And no matter how much kyle busch tries, no fan will ever forget who the real driver of the 5 Chevrolet Kellogg's mobile is.

The Chiefs Prediction:

The Chiefs and Rams have battled three times in the regular season since St Louis ho'd itself out and stole the team from Los Angeles in 1995. In 1997, the Chiefs won 28-20 at the "Dome Kansas City's Tax Money Built, For a Team the Lou Didn't Have". In 2000, the defending champion Rams were spanked 54-34 in Arrowhead, the game that really was the beginning of the end of Kurt Warner's fraudulent career. Two years later, the Rams were destroyed 49-10 at Arrowhead.

These Rams aren't as good as their last two squads that lost 103-44. And the Chiefs are better than their two squads that combined to top the century mark against the Rams.

I'm having more fun this season than I have in a long time. I know I've said that many times already, but still, it bears repeating. Sunday, the fun, frivolity, giddiness, and playoff run continues. If anybody's up for watching the game somewhere, let me know. No sense enjoying a cross-state ass kicking alone.

Chiefs 37 (+2 1/2), Rams 16.

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From: stevo.
To: multiple recipients.
Subject: chiefs win! my thoughts!
Originally Sent: 11/06/06 2:35pm.

you ask, you receive. My thoughts on the Chiefs victory. Hopefully this gets through the filters, I get a little, uuh, "fired up" about the commentators yesterday ...

* anytime you go on the road, to a cross state "rival", who has a winning record and is tied for first place, and you never trail, that's a solid victory.

* CBS kept putting up a stat on how 65% of teams that open 5-3 make the playoffs. And I really just wanted to scream. This is the fourth time in eight years (1999, 2000, 2005, 2006) that the Chiefs have opened 5-3. We were 0 for the first 3 there. So Don, stop showing the damned stat, we're in the 35% minority.

* Huard threw one pass in the first quarter. One. And we had the lead. That is awesome stuff. And not one mention of it from Criqui and Buerelein. (More on their craptacular commentating below).

* on the TV anyways, it looked yesterday at the Dome like Texas Stadium did last December. Red everywhere. Sounded like Texas Stadium last winter too. Good stuff.

* too bad we didn't have that goalline stand at Texas Stadium last year. Good stuff.

* I loved the 3rd down draw play on our goalline. Solid 45 yard gain against a defense that never knew what hit it. That is Steve's Madden offense at its finest.

* hell, the draw play on 3rd down was hitting all day long. All day long! You would think, at some point, a coach as smart as Jim Haslett would tell his guys "hey, they've run a draw 5 straight times on 3rd and long, look out for the draw!" Apparently not. Maybe that's why Haslett was fired by the Saints.

* Boomer had a solid special teams tackle. That's always nice.

* was anyone else shocked that Samie "Hands of Steve" Parker held onto the bomb?

* speaking of which, we have a saying in my house, my section, well, pretty much anyone who knows me and / or watches a game with me. (steve voice) what do you do when you get a turnover? (response voice) you go for the jugular! Our 2nd and 3rd turnovers, first play, playaction bomb. I loved it.

* my 3 favorite pass plays the Chiefs run are (1) send Hall in motion, quick toss on a one step drop, and he scampers for 10-12 yards every time before being knocked out of bounds; (2) the double fake handoff, then over the middle to a wide open Gonzalez / Kennison for 18-20 yards every time, and (3) Gonzalez in motion from left to right, then he takes off for the corner of the end zone. Our final drive, we ran all 3 (except it was Wilson, not Gonzalez).

* finally, I'd like to address the announcing from yesterday. Don Criqui and Steve Buerelein. Take a deep breath ... deep breath ... oh f*ck it, here goes:

(warning: a profanity laced "Steve" tirade coming)

OK, if there are two worse football broadcasters than Don Criqui and Steve Buerelein, I haven't heard them. All that was missing was Eric Dickerson on the sidelines to complete the baffoonery.

First, Criqui kept saying the Chiefs were "challenging" on their first scoring drive. Huh? Challenging what, Don? What the f*ck were we "challenging"? The goalline? I'm pretty sure that's a constant. Were we challenging recovering the fumble? That makes no sense, the play went in our favor. Exactly what the f*ck were we "challenging" there, Don? We were "driving", Don, "driving". Jesus, what a f*cking idiot.

And Buerelein, noting the Rams would likely have gone for it on 4th and goal when they got their first touchdown, which again, is all well and good ... except it was second down, Steve! They got the first down the play before! I mean, come on, Steve! Godd*mn, what a freaking disgrace to the name "Steve". I'm embarrassed to be called "Steve" today. Absolutely embarrassed, that I share a name with this abject f*cking idiot.

See, Steve, they give you this nifty little yellow thing now on your screen called the "first down line". Jackson crossed it. Then he was tackled short of the end zone. That means, say it with me now, "1st and goal!!!" They also give you this helpful thing called "down and distance", you might want to take a f*cking look at it, dipsh*t. If the marker on the sideline has a "2" on it, odds are its "2nd" down. Well, unless its Missouri / Colorado from back in the day, hee hee hee.

Or how Huard was holding up well in the "throw protection". What? What the hell is the "throw protection"? Its called "pass protection". Good f*cking God, where do they find these people, wh*ring themselves out on Independence Avenue?

On Huard's first TD to Gonzalez, Buerelein couldn't figure out how the defender missed Huard, or how Huard didn't feel or see the blitzing safety. Uuh, Steve ... (steve screaming at the tv) HUARD STEPPED UP IN THE POCKET, YOU MOTHER F*CKING IDIOT! If he "didn't feel or see" the pressure, then why the f*ck was he looking at the defender, and then stepped up to avoid him? Jesus, I swear, does anyone at the networks even review this sh*tty ass broadcasting? And why the hell did we get the "E" or "F" team on the network ladder anyways? Its a battle of 4-3 intrastate squads, and the best we can get is Criqui and Buerelein? God f*ck it.

And the constant noting that we're "playing for the Governor's Cup Trophy". First of all, its either a "cup" or a "trophy", its not both. And secondly, we already played for it this year, back in August, you f*cking knobs. If you'd done even one second worth of glancing at either squad's schedule, you might have noticed "gee, they already played this year". Mother f*cking idiots.

Seriously, these two made me long for "Joey Sunshine" tonight. Theismann's uninformed flip flops can't be this bad. They just can't.

And don't even get me started on the touchdown pass to "Kris Jenkins". Huh? Who the f*ck is Kris Jenkins? And what the hell did he do with Kris Wilson? Was he "challenging" his name?

Or noting early in the 3rd quarter that Bulger hadn't misfired yet ... while the stat on the screen shows he was 12 for 16. Honestly, at some point, you jaw hurts from rapidly dropping and hitting the ground. Just absolutely sh*tty commentating yesterday. Seriously, they should just hire a couple fans (like me), put us in the booth, and let us go at it. I've been saying the same thing about NASCAR for years. TNT doesn't need to waste money on sh*tty Bill Weber or idiot Wally Dallenbach, just hire me and Brett, provide us transit and lodging at each race, a couple bottles of vodka apiece, and we'll deliver one kick ass piece of commentary. Ditto the NFL, just put me and Dusty behind the mic. Even drunk, high, and sleep deprived, we'd do better than Criqui and Buerelein.

And how about the illegal contact penalty on "Bennie Sapp". Bennie Sapp is on IR! He wasn't even in the godd*mned building! How the hell is he getting flagged for illegal contact? Unless its with a nacho cheese dip?

Or noting how the "return of Trent Green is a huge emotional lift for this team". What? He's still not playing guys! He's still "inactive"! Its not a "return" until his ass is on the mother f*cking field! Really, its amazing to me what CBS allows on its airwaves. Say what you want about Dan Rather, at least the man was (is) entertaining. These two f*cking idiots calling the game yesterday couldn't find the short bus, let alone board it.

Or the "how could Tony Gonzalez get so wide open" crack on his 2nd TD. Here's a thought guys: show the godd*mned replay and break the coverage scheme down! Even I can do that, and all Chiefs games are "sobriety not required" for me! That should seriously be a mandatory rule: if you can't identify or differentiate between man and cover 2, between man and zone, you shouldn't be allowed to be a broadcaster of a football game. Honestly, where the f*ck do they find these guys, standing outside Grand Slam Liquors looking for a handout? My God, just awful, awful stuff yesterday.

Seriously, not once yesterday did Criqui or Buerelein identify what defense the Chiefs (or Rams) were in. Not once. You get a competent commentator, like Kevin Harlan, he always identifies "nickel coverage, looks cover 2", or "Chiefs go to the dime, man on the corners". Easy sh*t to spot. Well, except for tweedle f*cking idiot and his sidekick Steve Buere"lein king".

Or my favorite, saying the Rams were "offsides" for two straight plays on their ill-fated drive that ended in the pooch punt. Uuh, guys ... its called a "false start". (steve, again, screaming at the tv) IT CAN'T BE OFFSIDES IF YOU'RE MOVING BACKWARDS! Do these people even have one ounce of football knowledge? Huh? Just one f*cking ounce! Holy f*ck these two are just abject idiots. I pray to God we never draw them again. There isn't enough Polar Ice vodka in this city to help me cope with them again.

(end rant.)
(end email.)