criqui! buerelein! let's track the gaffes!

I debated doing a live blog ... but thought it would be more entertaining to track my least favorite broadcasting team ever's numerous gaffes, outrageous statements, and blatantly false allegations instead.

1st Quarter:

14:31 -- Buerelein on the Browns winning their last four games: "We've never seen anything like it".

14:06 -- Criqui: "Cassel pitches the ball" on a 4 yard forward pass.

13:00 -- Buerelein identifies it as 3rd down on 3 separate occasions. It wasn't, it was 2nd down, as Criqui kept noting. Even after the penalty and resulting play for a first down, Buerelein AGAIN identifies it as "3rd and 8, turned into 3rd and 3, resulting in the first down". There was never a 3rd down in this sequence of events.

11:06 -- Criqui: "Charles lines up in the Browns backfield". To his credit, he immediately corrects himself.

9:21 -- Buerelein: "There's no way Kansas City isn't going to challenge that", on a fumble recovered by the Chiefs.

9:19 -- Buerelein, during the challenge: "There is no way this play will not be overturned, his left elbow was clearly down, ending the play". The fumble was upheld.

9:11 -- Criqui: "Cassel, a very nimble passer, gets out of bounds" on a six yard scramble. A very nimble passer?!?!

8:56 -- field goal good. Chiefs 3, Browns 0.

8:40 -- for the record, I love Seneca's tat on his left arm. I have no clue what it is, but it looks neat.

8:03 -- Buerelein: "Cribbs under center, and if he uses those legs, he can get some yards". Cribbs was lined up at wide receiver. To his credit, Buerelein corrected his mistake 11 seconds later, after an incomplete pass intended for Cribbs.

6:38 -- Criqui: "Wallace ... puts a bit too much on it" as his pass sails way out of bounds. For the record, Wallace was drilled by DJ on the play as he threw. Of COURSE it will sail way out of bounds.

6:23 -- Criqui: "Seneca Wallace looked like Steve Buerelein on that play!" It was intended as a compliment, believe it or not.

5:23 -- the circle on the replay mis-identified who the false start was on.

4:52 -- Cassel looks awful. Absolutely awful. Criqui: "Chiefs fans were literally coming through your screen on that Monday night game at Arrowhead"

4:20 -- and as soon as I say that, Cassel completes a 15 yarder to Chambers, a 16 yarder to Moeaki, both in stride and perfectly thrown. So ... Cassel looks awful. Absolutely awful.

3:38 -- Criqui: "The ball is live at the 40" as it is still mid-air. Sweet Jesus.

3:24 -- Buerelein: "Matt Cassel has GOT to get rid of this football!" The first intelligent thing to come out of his mouth in decades. Cassel looks awful. Absolutely awful.

2:39 -- A Dusty C punt of beauty, downed inside the 5. Penalty moves it to the 2. Unsaid by Don and Steve so far, the Chiefs have started 2 of 3 drives inside their 10. Both of those drives, they wound up punting, but not before reaching their own 40. The Chiefs are doing the little things that need to be done to win this game.

2:05 -- Criqui: "Its still a 3-0 game". Its not like we're 2 hours in at this point ...

0:22 -- I really, really like Seneca's tat. I'm guessing its out of my price range, but I really like it.

0:09 -- Criqui and Buerelein are openly rooting for Cleveland in the booth. They point out this drive started at their own 2 (while ignoring what the Chiefs did on their previous drives). They're openly verbally fellating hitting receivers so wide open, that even I could complete the pass. And I haven't completed a successful pass since ... uuh ...

Quarter 1 comes to an end. Chiefs 3, Browns 0. Browns have 1st and goal at KC 8 to open the 2nd.

2nd Quarter:

14:47 -- Buerelein can't figure out why Wallace would run a formation called the "Cyclone". Sweet Jesus.

14:02 -- Buerelein calls a one yard run that went nowhere a "very well executed play by the Cleveland Browns". 3rd and goal at the 5.

13:43 -- that last play was apparently so well executed, that the Browns piss away a 2nd timeout to regroup.

13:25 -- Browns bailed out by an illegal contact call. On second look, it was blatant. Stupid decision by Vrabel. 1st and goal again for Cleveland, now at the 2.

13:02 -- Criqui again reminds us this drive started at the Browns 2. Thanks, Don, I didn't already know that.

12:31 -- piss poor secondary tackling by the Chiefs. Touchdown to the biggest deuche walking the planet, former donkey patrick hillis. I hate that guy. He killed us in their rally to beat us at fake mile high in 2008. I really, really, really hate that guy.

Browns 7, Chiefs 3, 12:31 to go in the first half.

12:24 -- the Sharp TV ad with George Takei! Oooooh, my! The coolest gay guy on the planet, hands down.

12:24 -- still in commercial. I'm torn on "Boardwalk Empire". I'm probably the only "Sopranos" fan alive that hates Steve Buscemi. On the other hand, I'm all in on Blossom on "Big Bang Theory". Sweet.

11:29 -- what was Fujita smoking, to leave New Orleans for Cleveland? Voluntarily?

10:45 -- big defensive stand upcoming for KC. Browns ball, 1st and 10, at their own 27. Gotta keep this as close as you can.

10:03 -- TaINT! TaINT! Sweet Jesus! Is Delhomme under center?!?! Brandon Flowers touchdown!

(That's Touchdown after INTerception for those scoring at home).

Chiefs 10, Browns 7, 10:03 to go in the half.

10:02 -- I won't be drunk enough most nights to watch Jim Belushi and Jerry O'Connell in a show about sleazy Vegas lawyers. OK, I lie. I will be drunk enough. I just won't tune in.

9:57 -- not one word of praise for the defense, only criticism for the Browns QB. Who says CBS is unbiased!

8:43 -- outstanding play call by Cleveland. 65 yard TD, Wallace to Cribbs. Buerelein: "Eric Berry reacting late and trying to prevent it ..." Only, it wasn't Berry -- it was Brandon Carr on the coverage. Apparently Steve can't differentiate between a "2" and a "3" as the first number on a jersey.

Browns 14, Chiefs 10, 8:43 to go in the half.

8:42 -- The Bieber is on CSI! I'm all in on that one too!

8:42 -- Buerelein: "We'll see exactly what Eric Berry did to let that happen", as the replays show once again, that Brandon Carr was in coverage.

8:31 -- I wish someone at CBS Sports would "discipline" this atrocious announcing crew.

7:52 -- some will queue the QB controversy after that. I won't. Going 40 yards downfield on 3rd and long, even picked as that one was, is no worse than a punt. I wish more teams would realize that. You don't lose anything there. Bad pass, sure, but it's no worse than a punt as the net result.

7:52 -- Criqui: "The interception by Wallace inspired the Browns!" Sweet Jesus.

7:18 -- Browns piss away their 3rd and final timeout. Let's hope something shady happens in the Chiefs favor, so they can't challenge in the next 5:18.

7:18 -- Steve, the last time we drafted a DB from Tennessee in round one, he only won NFL Rookie of the Year and was a multiple Pro Bowler for both us and denver. I'll take my chances on Berry.

6:33 -- Criqui: "Oh man what a catch!" On an obvious didn't get two feet down pass. Browns to punt. Huge stand by KC there.

6:26 -- both Criqui and Buerelein now fellating Berry for his safety blitz that forced the bad pass.

5:27 -- Criqui calls a swing pass an "out pattern". Either way, first down KC.

4:32 -- Buerelein: "One of the problems Eric Mangini faced was this red ball offense by the Chiefs". What the f*ck is a "red ball offense"? And is it more impotent than a "blue ball offense"?

4:30 -- its 2010 CBS. Just call it what it is. "Shit my Dad Says". If some right wing-nut organization hates it, just remind them that their precious diety, George W. Bush, called a NY Times reporter an "ass" to his face. That, or remind them that "ass" appears in their Bible.

4:13 -- Cassel is struggling, but you don't make the move yet. Chiefs to punt.

3:58 -- CBS is not showing the first down marker on most live plays. I guess everyone is cutting the budget nowadays.

2:15 -- Criqui: "Every Chiefs draft choice last year was the captain of his college team". Wonderful. How many of them played for even a DIVISION winner last year? Character is so f*cking overrated. Find the best 53 guys you can, suit 45 of 'em up, and manage. Because even the sleaziest of athletes will show up when the games count.

0:57 -- awful INT by Cassel. Tipped and picked.

0:16 -- awful missed FG by Dawson. Assume we're headed to the half.

And we are. Browns 14, Chiefs 10, halftime.

Half -- Criqui can't focus on the camera. He's clearly looking for a cue card. And he's visibly struggling to get the words out.

Chiefs get the ball to start the 2nd half.

3rd Quarter:

15:00 -- Buerelein: "Cassel saying what in the world do I have to do to catch a break". How about toss the ball like a NFL caliber QB?

14:55 -- I am now confident about this game. Don just started spouting out record stats and what they mean towards playoff berths. The last time he did this for us, was 2006, when he noted 5-3 teams always make the playoffs. We did.

13:52 -- Buerelein is just pulling "West Coast Offense" terminology out of his ass.

12:13 -- Buerelein: "He's gonna find a way to lay the wood on someone".

11:27 -- clutch 1st down catch by D Bowe. Hope somebody bought him a self-employed model for the hotel room tonight for that clutch reception.

10:17 -- Coach Asshat not wearing a headset. Good. Also congratulating players as they leave the field. Again, good.

9:25 -- I HATE that 3rd down call. Why pitch it on 3rd and 1? What good comes of that? Fall forward! Predictably, we lose 2. Field goal try upcoming.

8:45 -- Browns 14, Chiefs 13. We're in it. Hopefully to win it.

8:39 -- Buerelein: "Welcome back to Cleveland". Are those the four worst words in the English language? Other than (maury povich voice) "you are the father!", of course.

7:39 -- Buerelein just called Criqui "Dan".

7:14 -- tough penalty upcoming on the Chiefs. Lower the helmet kid. Lower the helmet. For God's sake, don't lead with it. Should have been 3 and out. Now its Browns first down at midfield.

6:16 -- Buerelein: "This Derrick Johnson, he's a heck of a football player". A fact that everyone other than Coach Asshat knows.

5:47 -- Criqui: "Long ball! Too much on it". That's at least the fifth time he's said that today about a Seneca pass. Buerelein just advised that Wallace put "a little bit more air on that ball, then Robiske could have made the play". Uuh, Stevo? He overshot the pass by 15 yards. What good does putting MORE air under the ball do?

5:41 -- Criqui and Buerelein botch an obvious touchback, praising the ball being downed at the 1. And we go to commercial with them in shock that a player whose foot was on the end zone line was ineligible to touch the ball in the field of play.

5:41 -- coming back from break, Buerelein rips Haden for a play he just fellated him over (the touchback / downed at the 1). Charles takes a screen for 20 to open the series.

5:02 -- since neither Tweedle Dum or Tweedle Dum F*ck will mention this, this is the 3rd drive already today that KC has started at its 20 or worse, and advanced to midfield. If the Chiefs win this game, do NOT underestimate this. Huge changes in field position.

3:54 -- that's a play you call only if you're going for it on 4th down. 4th and 1 at the Browns 40.

3:26 -- Coach Asshat is punting. It was the Browns 44, not 40. Still, I strongly disagree with this decision. And that's why, the touchback. A 24 yard punt, versus a chance to take the lead by going for it. Gutless football.

0:00 -- if you had 3:13 in the "Steve and Gregg's first text message verbal argument" pool, you're a winner. Also, Damien checks in: "Cassel is a waste as well". I don't have a comeback yet to that.

End 3rd: Browns 14, Chiefs 13, 3rd and 13 for Cleveland at their own 27 upcoming.

4th Quarter:

15:00 -- false start Browns. Now 3rd and 18. The 3rd quarter stats were brutal, neither team topped 100 yards in offense, and the Browns didn't crack 30.

15:00 -- Buerelein: "I'd call something pretty conservative here". I STRONGLY disagree. On 3rd and 18, air it out! Go deep! What do you have to lose? An INT 50 yards downfield is probably better than a punt.

14:12 -- hate to say it, but Javier Arenas got ... (keyshawn voice) JACKED UP! Chiefs ball, their own 25ish, 1st and 10.

14:12 -- Jimmie Johnson, Kyle Busch, and Kurt Busch all in an incident at Louden. And all held it together. Unbelievable. Could have completely turned the Chase upside down. Instead, just a caution.

14:12 -- Criqui: "Its a beautiful Indian summer day in Northern Ohio". Oy.

14:00 -- Criqui: "Is your fantasy football site letting you down?" No, but my sh*tty commentators are.

13:32 -- Criqui: "Dwayne Bowe can take a punch!" Uuh, if there was a punch thrown, where was the flag? And Buerelein's off on his "red ball" tangent again. Sweet Jesus.

12:48 -- this is just about the most boring 14-13 game I've ever watched.

12:08 -- Chiefs piss away a timeout. That's ok -- you can waste one in the 2nd half. That, and this is a huge 3rd and 4 at midfield.

12:08 -- one of THE greatest underrated movies of all time just came on ABC Family. (Yeah, I'm channel surfing). "Love and Basketball". Sadly, it will be edited given the network its on ... but damn, this movie rocks. The penultimate scene, "Hey -- double or nothing." Jesus, I'd kill to feel for a girl like that someday. Or today.

12:02 -- That's why you hire Chuck Weis. What a GREAT delayed draw to Charles. First down. Buerelein is off again on the "red ball". Timeout Cleveland, we clearly stunned them.

11:37 -- Buerelein again on the "red ball". What the f*ck is "red ball offense"?

11:28 -- interesting decision upcoming on this 3rd and 6. Call a run and try the 50 yarder to take the lead, or air it out. Not one word on this from our commentators.

10:46 -- Tony who? Gonzalez what? Moeaki, first down!

10:13 -- Criqui saying "Here's Cassel!" reminds me of Randy Quaid in "Independence Day". "Hello boys! I'm baaaaaaa-ck!!!!!"

9:35 -- FULL HOUSE BACKFIELD! Holy sh*t, somewhere Barry Switzer and Tom Osborne just smiled! Easy 15 yard completion to Chambers. Three running backs! Awesome!

8:23 -- Criqui: "Thomas Jones is Stone Walled!" Would really be neat if his name was Thomas Jackson.

7:49 -- Criqui: "A wisely used timeout by Matt Cassel". Uuh, no it wasn't. There were 5-6 seconds left on the play clock. Yes, its 3rd and goal, but if you take the penalty there and save the timeout, at least half the time, that's the smarter play. 3rd and goal at the 5 upcoming, Chiefs down to one TO (and the 2 minute warning). Still Browns 14, Chiefs 13.

7:49 -- commercial: "Subway, where winners eat". I've never computed Jared as a winner.

7:41 -- Chiefs 16, Browns 14. Succup gimme FG. Plenty o'time to go though. Criqui: "Eric Mangini needs offense". God forbid any one of these two deuches say "Todd Haley needs defense". Buerelein: "Neither of these teams view themselves as a playoff team at this point". Uuh, ask Coach Asshat about that statement, Steve. Buerelein: "KC surprised itself with a win over San Diego last week". Again, talk to Coach Asshat and Arrowhead Nation about that one, you f*cking knob.

7:35 -- Buerelein expressing shock that the Chiefs keyed on the run today.

7:04 -- this game is so playing out like the last (and only other) time we face Seneca, vs Seattle in 2006.

6:56 -- blatant hold they got awa -- nope, refs get it. Obvious hold on Hali by Joe Thomas.

6:52 -- loving how Criqui is "confirming" Buerelein's statements. Case in point, Steve: "2nd and 20". Don: "2nd down it is!"

6:22 -- Criqui: "He just can't get to it!" The ball was overthrown by 15 yards minimum. Great blitz by Berry. Not one word of praise for the Chiefs D.

6:12 -- Criqui: "Coming up next: the Patriots take aim at the Jets!" Oh believe me Don, I know. Buerelein: "You talk about a must win situation!" Oh believe me Steve, I know. I freaking know.

5:20 -- bullshit roughing the passer call! We'll take it!

5:12 -- Criqui: "Time becoming a factor now". Ya think?

5:00 -- wow. This half, Chiefs have run 24 plays in Cleveland territory, the Browns have run 3 in Chiefs territory. Unreal.

3:55 -- interesting. 3rd Chiefs timeout before 3rd and 2, after bleeding the clock. I'm not upset about it, but its interesting. If they convert this, its all good. If they don't, that's three wasted TO's in a half ...

3:50 -- great Browns D play. If that pass slips over his hand, its a 30 yard gain. Chiefs to punt.

3:41 -- downed at the 5. Solid effort. Dammit though, if Cassel could have slipped that pass in to Moeaki. It wasn't Cassel's fault, he floated it. Just a great defensive reaction by Maiava by Cleveland.

3:34 -- gain of 5. 2nd and 5. Clock running.

3:10 -- sack! Wallace Gilberry! 3rd and 10, clock running.

2:46 -- Criqui: "Lofted out there, caught! Massaquoia!" as the ball hits the ground. 4th and 10. I think you punt this with two timeouts and the 2 minute warning. Browns are punting.

2:41 -- Chiefs take over at the Browns 42. Two first downs seals it. One ought to end it, depending on what down we gain it on.

2:37 -- TJ gets 4. 2nd and 6, time out Cleveland.

2:28 and counting -- TJ gets 4 more. 3rd and 2. Finally a TO at the 2:24 mark. Reset that to 2:32, actually. I'd have let it run to the 2 minute warning personally. An extra 2-3 seconds on the other side doesn't matter if you get the fumble and save your last TO.

2:27 -- its close. I think he's just short. Its 4th and less than a foot. This is ball-check time.

2:00 -- Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

2:00 -- Someone should kick Coach Asshat in the nuts to confirm he has a pair, especially if he opts to punt. 4th and less than a foot, Browns 36. You convert, you win. You fail, deal with it, its no worse than a 16 yd net punt.

2:00 -- holy sh*t! Gregg: "I actually agree in this case". When the Voice of Reason says "go!" you f*cking go!

1:53 -- its close. Its damned close. TJ with the dive.

1:53 -- Criqui: "A first down, in effect, ends the game". Ya think?

1:53 -- this is DAMNED close.

1:53 -- YES! YES! YES!! YES!!!!!!!!!! By two inches at most!

1:53 -- its a booth review. Sweet Jesus. Buerelein is absolutely convinced TJ is short. He tries drawing a straight line, and fails miserably. Even Criqui is mocking his attempt to draw a line on the screen, and I’m damned sure Don is blowing a .16 if given a Breathalyzer right now.

1:53 -- its over! Booth review upholds the spot! Two kneel downs to win!

1:16 -- there's the first.

0:34 -- and the last. Chiefs win! Chiefs win! I trust you all will "come and worship" at the First Church of Arrowhead next Sunday ...